Gram's 87th

Ruby, Gram and my mom (on the phone)

Yesterday was my Gram's birthday. Ruby, Haley and I happened to be in ABQ to drop off my niece and decided to see if we could stop by for a bit. We chatted and had coffee and a yummy chocolate mousse cake I bought on the way there. Gram is 87 now. It's crazy to think about it. As long as I can remember, Gram has been the queen of diplomacy (even when it just chaps her hide to do so!) and she has taught me a few things. Lately, I've been contemplating the possibility of personality traits being inherited, as I seem to have a few tendencies the same as my ancestors (that of being totally chicken of conflict, among other things).

I was thinking about this in regard to something totally unrelated. While working on my last birth story (it's close to being finished, but I make no promises on when) I realized that at least to some extent, My emotional signposts are hard to read (mostly because it appears I do not have them). I often do not look as though I feel a certain way because of a probably-long list of ancestors who also hide true feelings behind a brave or "nice" face. So I have to share a story of my Gram that will help you see the diplomatic-till-it-kills-you attitude I think my mom and I (and probably at least a few siblings--care to share?) have inherited. [Disclaimer: I don't mean to imply that I've never offended anyone. A quick read of my last post will probably help squelch this idea.]

My mom and grandma are "feeling-hiders." My mom never was sick when I was growing up—not because she wasn’t sick, but because she couldn’t be: there was no option in her mind. Too many responsibilities. So she just toughed out colds or the flu: shuffling around, homeschooling, making dinner and the like. It wasn’t till I was older (and became a mom myself!) that I realized not all moms are like that. She labored like this: “Ow”. . . (breathe) “Ooowwww”. . . (breathe). . .(utter silence). . .(breathe). . .(looking like she’s asleep). . . (breathe). (Can you guess why I didn’t want my mom to be at my first labor? I knew she wouldn’t be comparing me to her, but I sure would be, and I was almost certain I would not be able to labor that way!)

I had a "HUH?!" moment in the emergency room once with my grandma (who was bleeding internally: throwing up blood, passing it, etc.—not doing well at all). It was the middle of the night and we had been there for a couple of hours, waiting for an ambulance to transfer us to the big hospital, all the while nurses were poking and prodding almost every orifice—and making new ones. I mean things like I.V.s, blood draws, pushing a tube down her throat in order to get stomach contents (“Swallow.” “Swallow.” “Swallow.” “Good, there we go.”) and rectal exams. Not fun stuff. I can’t imagine what a terrible experience that was for my grandma. How would I do in such a situation? Well, here’s my Gram: a nurse walks in to check on her vital signs and Gram (ever the gracious hostess) says, “Is there anything I can get for you?”. . . WHAT?!? I heard her say something similar to another nurse the next day. It cracks me up and blows me away at the same time. I guess it runs in the family to pretend like everything’s fine when you feel like you just might die. Wouldn’t want to let anyone know what’s really going on now, would we?

Haley kept laughing for Gram. It's a real treat, since not many people can get her to laugh.

Sorry about the naked cherub. That's been around almost as long as Gram.

A Slap in the Face (Behind My Back)

This is part two of an essay I wrote last month about why I blog. Part two deals with what I blog. Like part one, this was written when I had only one blog. I hope it isn’t too confusing that I’m posting on this blog, while usually referring to another one.

I never intended for my blog to become what it has: a bunch of newsy postings on what my family has been up to. Sure, I wanted to do a LITTLE of that, but one of the most exciting reasons to blog (for me) was the chance to EXPRESS my deepest thoughts, strongest opinions and heart-felt difficulties and struggles. Things that often don’t get expressed. The problem: how to do that with an audience THAT KNOWS WHO I AM. I am disappointed that in all my posting, there is little that resembles a thought-provoking essay on a pertinent issue or a true expression of what’s going on in my mind, let alone HOW everything is going for me and my family. I wonder: if a stranger were to read my blog, would they get a true picture of me and my life? Or would they just see a bunch of “aren’t we happy?” posts and pictures?

I so often have ideas on things to blog about or thoughts I’d like to put down and really hash out, but it seems that all I end up actually doing is the occasional “this-is-what-we’re-up-to” post, something perhaps only my mother-in-law would enjoy seeing (and I only sent her a link to the blog a few weeks ago, after recognizing that was all my blog had become).

In some ways, I am disillusioned with blogging. I have read many-a-stranger’s musings and frustrations with appreciation; relating at least somewhat to what she is going through. But when it comes down to posting my own strong opinions or impressions or difficulties, I am guarded. (Perhaps I need to start an anonymous blog!)

A friend of mine once expressed an interest in blogging, but what made her not as eager to do it was the fact that when you blog, your life is out there for anyone to see. My timidity is not so much toward the generic “anyone” stranger as much as it is the “someone” that I know. So much of what I find helpful on other sites is an expression of struggle and real life difficulty that I can relate to. I just don’t know how to have a blog like that that both reflects my real life and is still sensitive to any readers I actually know personally. The only area that I feel pretty safe being totally “real” in is that of my day-to-day struggle with my children. Fast forward a decade or so, when my kids are older, and I don’t think I’d even feel comfortable expressing much of that.

And I don’t want to be the Pollyanna blogger who has a perfect life and glosses over failings and struggles, painting a picture of themselves that is (surely) far from accurate (I love to hate these blogs. I don’t have a beef with optimism; I just don’t see that it serves much of a purpose to “be” a person who doesn’t have problems. What about the rest of us? Do you have any suggestions for how we underlings can go about our lives?) The truth is that you can pretty much be anyone in blogdom: even someone that doesn’t remotely resemble the real you. I want my blog to be a true expression of me, not something that only highlights the fun or good times, or my rosiest view on something. I don’t want to share a measly, “hardly-worth-mentioning-it’s -so-small” struggle here and there only after I’m over it, either. Nor do I want to tread so lightly in an attempt to not offend that my blog loses any semblance of personality (as seems to be tempting for well-read bloggers—one of the things that makes me hope my blog remains tiny and insignificant). These are all things I don’t appreciate in other blogs, and I don’t want to do in mine.

Lest anyone (who has a blog that I read and knows me) misunderstand: I am not talking about you. I speak more generally of blogs I’ve read where (not knowing the woman personally) I get the impression that she’s hiding something amidst all the fabulous goings-on. Perhaps we all know someone like this. It is precisely what causes me to keep my distance from a person in real life. That sense I have of not being “safe” with someone, because they don’t struggle like I do. Who needs a friend like that?

In typing this, I am impressed with the realization of how much more gracious others have been. I was once very much that person who only let a small part of herself show. It is really shocking to me to think of how many people were my friend years ago when I was so incredibly guarded in many ways. I hope, but do not know, that I was just guarded: not that I put on an air of having it together. But maybe that’s what being guarded looks like either way: snobbish.

Okay, now to get on with my ungraciousness: I have been there, done that. Having been on both sides, I can say it really does nothing but make others feel like bumbling idiots if they don’t know better, and those who do just wonder, “You really think I believe that load of baloney?” I have no desire to be that super-spiritual person whose admission of weakness is just another way of showing how wonderful she is: “Well, my biggest struggle right now is that I’m not reading my Bible nearly enough. I am really tempted to stop after an hour; I’ve been on my knees about it since Thursday.” After a few decades on this earth, I have finally wised up and steer clear of these people in real life, and in no way do I want to be one of them in blogdom.

I’m sorry if I’m way out of line here, but I can’t help but wonder if homeschooling has (or at least had) this air about it in general, because now that I think of it, I don’t run into this much now that I’m so far removed from that culture. Perhaps I will begin to see it again if we decide to homeschool very long. (“You let your girls wear sequins? My lands!”) Or maybe it has to do with a public eye being trained on you. I imagine it’s fairly similar for a P.K. (No, not a promise keeper. A preacher’s kid.)

HOOO-EE! I think that’s about enough of that. What was lurking in there, anyway? I think I just crossed the line from newsy blogs to seriously opinionated and potentially offensive. A little help here?

Why Blog Now?

Last month, Casey sent me away to the coffee shop to have a break from two of my children and blog. I ended up writing a two-part essay starting with the following. At the time, I hadn't started this particular blog. Now that I'm not posting these kinds of things on my other blog, this is where this essay belongs now. I hope it's not too confusing.

The recent passing of my blog’s first anniversary causes me to reflect on the irony that I have been posting to it pretty regularly NOW THAT I DON’T HAVE TIME. When I first started a blog last summer—mother of two toddlers, not yet pregnant with a third—I was adamant that I would not be blogging regularly until I learned how to function on less sleep or somehow got organized enough to not have the management of blogdom take priority over other things that should remain important—i.e. the loving care of my husband, children and home. Do I suddenly have it together, now that my life is busier than ever? Has the addition of number three finally pushed me over to “Personality Type A,” (my husband wishes!) and I have it all figured out now? Have I learned to thrive (happy-hearted) on less than 6 hours of interrupted sleep? Is it because I now find myself—midmorning—with my soft, supple ped-egged feet up, twiddling my moisturized and well-manicured thumbs; my house sparkling, a three-course dinner ready to be served in a half-hour’s time, my children’s every physical and emotional need met, all the heart-oriented training complete for the day? Not hardly.

I am struggling (like I was then), trying to find the balance between keeping some sense of order in the home, without it being the end-all of my existence (we DO need underwear, people!), and almost 24/7 meeting four other human’s needs (some more demanding than others!). It’s probably safe to say that most days, that’s about all I do. I’m not trying to paint a woe-is-me picture, but I believe it is good to be completely honest so as not to create unrealistic expectations for those who have yet to experience these unrelenting demands of motherhood. And I have no desire to try to be Super Mom. Sometimes, I wonder if God’s purpose for me in all of this, among other things, is to help others be encouraged if they are able to do more—or better—than I. There should be MANY encouraged women, if that be the case! Maybe it’s a testimony of what is possible, if God gives EVEN ME the grace to get through each day.

So, in no way am I any more “together” than any acquaintance can remember me. In all this, there are several points that stand out to me as to why I’m blogging now. The first is that with time, like money, you can afford (within reason) what you *choose* to afford. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few examples on the money side:

• I know several moderately-earning-one-income-“we-don’t-do-debt” couples who give lavish, high-quality gifts.
• We also know people who do not have much of an income at all who eat out a great deal (at least from my perspective).
• When I was growing up, my friends, upon opening our freezer, exclaimed: “OOOOh, you have Cool Whip? Your Dad must have a steady job!” They really thought we were rich to have such a thing, even though the reason their parents didn’t buy Cool Whip was because they didn’t like it!

On the time side:

• I can't count the number of times I have heard (sometimes from my own lips) regarding personal Bible Study or memorizing verses: "I don't have the time."
• Casey will sometimes decide to hire something out because his time is actually more scarce than money right now. (Oil changes, lawn mowing, fixing problems with our rental house, etc.)
• I don't wear makeup most days. Only once or twice a week do I take the time to put on my contacts and makeup. It just isn't a priority to me (or my husband--he likes it now and then, but would rather me be low-maintentance and out the door sooner!)

My point is, what is important to us--time or money-wise--we afford. Everyone has at least a few examples of how they either do or do not afford something based more on values than a true ability to afford it.

Following the idea of time and money being more about priorities than amount, brings me to my next point: in the full-time career of homemaking with young children, one finds it almost necessary for the sake of sanity to do SOMETHING which—at the end of the day—STAYS DONE.

When I was single, a dear friend of mine, a homemaker with four young children, would often tell me of the elusiveness of “accomplishment,” especially within this particular season of life. A quick review of just a few of the responsibilities I have reminds me of this:

• Meal prep (x3)
• bathing, dressing—and the inevitable laundry production of—all of us
• diapering and/or wiping bottoms
• paying bills
• washing dishes
• grocery shopping
• decluttering and cleaning house
• disciplining and training children

The significance of this list is this: all of these things will need to be done again; if not tomorrow, then next week. (Save bottom-wiping. I try to do that whenever it is offered.) The phrase “a woman’s work is never done” surely applies here.

So in all the working, serving, planning and execution (not literally, though don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind :), sweating, thankless cycle of full-time motherhood, I not only have the need for accomplishment met, but I am able to also express myself somewhat freely (and don’t forget uninterruptedly!) through blogging. Here, in blogdom, I find expression and conclusion. I also often find encouragement and fellowship.