Friday, September 24, 2010

The Herd Overheard

I’ll start off with a few things I wrote down years ago, when Ruby was little and I started hearing myself say some pretty absurd things.  (Sadly for these posts, I have since gotten used to saying these strange things and don’t think of writing them down anymore.)

To Ruby (21 months), while in the grocery store: “Please don’t write on the celery.”  --11/9/06

Hanging out near 4 month-old Claire: “Don’t let Claire suck on your toes.”  --11/30/06

(In the back yard) “You may not feed her dirt!” (Claire, 9 months, in her walker, eating away happily.)  --5/2/07

(Two years old, during dinner) “Feet do not belong in your macaroni.”  --5/6/07

I have one thing written down that I found myself saying to 14-month-old Claire: “Don’t blow your nose into your sandwich.” –9/10/07

Of course, Ruby has had strange things come out of her mouth for awhile.  When she was 2 1/2, she walked into the kitchen, sniffing, and her toddler mind deduced: “It’s not poop I smell.  It’s muffins.”  --11/27/07

One of the first funny things I remember about Ruby is from when she was about 2 years old.   Case was watching an action-filled movie one Saturday afternoon as she played near him.  She looked up to see a speeding car careen around a curve and flip multiple times, exploding into flames and finally come to a rest; a heap of smoking, twisted metal.

Ruby: “Oopsy-Daisy.”


Okay, on to the more recent past (it has been quite a while since I last did one of these posts).


A clear delineation between our oldest girls’ personalities:

Claire: “ Mom, do you know why I like to finger paint? Because I get to stick my fingers in it!”

Ruby: “I don’t like it because you have to stick your fingers in it.  I like to use a paint brush instead.”  --2/19/10


When we were going through this phonics program, I would have Ruby sound out a word, then use it in a sentence.  Sometimes, this made for some interesting sentences.  (*= Please don’t report us to social services.)

The word: “rat.”

The sentence: “Rats can run faster than a gentleman.”  --2/21/10


The word: “mat”

The sentence: “Matt at church.”  (A young man who hands out bulletins and often opens the door for us.)

Me: “Well, that Matt is spelled differently.  This is a different kind of mat, like one you keep by the door to wipe your feet.”

Ruby: “But Mom, Matt is a ‘door Matt’.”  --2/21/10


The word: “leg”

The sentence: “It’s like. . . you lost a leg.”  --2/26/10


The word: “pick”

(You think you know what’s coming here?  Don’t be too sure.)

* The sentence: “Someone picking a knife out of they’s leg.”  --3/1/10


( Upon my having just ordered donuts from the newly re-opened Krispy-Kreme drive-thru.)

Ruby: “Oh,  you’re so special to us!”

Claire: “You’re so special, we might keep you.”  --2/23/10


Ruby: “Mom, my leg hurts like it’s Italian.”

then, to clarify:

“It burns like it has Italian dressing.”  -3/16/10


Ruby: “When God saves my soul, I’ll be a good girl.”

Claire (scrunching up her face very seriously): “Uh, Ruby, I don’t know if that will happen.”  --3/29/10


Claire, commenting on Haley’s diaper as I change it: “I think she go’ed diarrhea.  I don’t think she’s out of the woods with her diarrhea.” –4/26/10

(“Her diarrhea.”  This wording is not incidental.  Haley had this issue for over 6 months—our pediatrician’s office said it wasn’t something about which they were concerned—seriously: they say it’s called “toddler diarrhea”—to which I wanted to say, “Oh, good.  So you wouldn’t mind changing her diapers, then?”  But I digress.  It was such a regular (yuk, yuk) occurrence that at one point a couple months ago, she would warn me by telling me she had “di-yer-pee-you.”)


Claire (watching a bird perched near our house):  “ I think he’s saying our new car looks cool to him.”

Me: “Oh really?  How do they usually say that?”

Claire: “In their heart.”  --5/25/10


Ruby, pulling a sesame seed off her burger’s bun: “Mom, could we plant this seed and grow a hamburger?” –6/13/10


Claire to Ruby (who was pretending to be a crying baby): “Shut that chunk of your face.”  --6/13/10


Claire, gazing at her baby brother: “Mom, I love Ian in real life.”  --8/19/10


Ruby to Claire, after having attended a baby shower with me: “It’s not watching a lady in a shower with her being naked.”  --9/9/10


Claire (to Ruby): “It’s okay.  I don’t matter.”

Me: “You don’t mind?”

Claire: “Mom, you don’t have to learn us everything.”

Me (can’t help myself): “I don’t have to teach you?”  --9/10/10


And for any of you who are doubtful that we have a handful-of-a –little-girl at our house, I give you the following:

Claire (a no-nonsense explanation why Ruby is crying): “I was hitting her and that reminded me that I wanted to give her a knuckle sandwich.”  (Oh yes, she did.)  --9/11/10


Ruby, going through my baking drawer: “Ooo, a thermometer.”

Me: “That’s a candy thermometer.”

Ruby gives an excited gasp, then places the thermometer in the nearby candy cupboard, waits a moment, studying the numbers, then, disappointed: “It’s not doing anything.”


Ruby, singing a Scripture song: “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved; you and your houseboat.” (household)  --9/20/10

(Which reminds me of some other songs she used to sing that gave me a chuckle—picture a 2-3 year old:  “What a Mighty God We Serve” was “What a Mighty Godly Sir!” and “I Love the Mountains, I Love the Rolling Hills” was heard as “I Love the Rolling Pins.”  Last December, “Jimmy Crack Corn” had some interesting lyrics, too: “Gimme That Bird and I Don’t Care. . . My Monsters Go Away.”)


Claire: “God made it rain to water the plants.”

Casey: “Yep.  You’re right.”

Claire: “I’m almost always right.”  --9/22/10