Is There Any Legitimate Excuse For Not Paying Our Children's College Educations

Financial reprocussions of having a "large" family. I've thought about this subject a lot. Especially when it comes to the reasons people give me for why not to have more children. Not that they'll say that exactly. More like giving reasons why they have not chosen or would not choose to do what we are doing (namely, having more than one or two children). "We want to be able to. . ." fill in the blank with almost anything, and it's probably been said. I've heard things from cruises to college to vacation homes to specialty lessons to carreers to just plain fun.

Honestly, we have not had a lot of negative comments or critisism re: our family choices compared to what we could have. Part of it may be because we don't get out much and I am much too busy with my children when I am out with them, I wouldn't even know if someone looked disparagingly at us, let alone wanted to engage me in critical conversation. But it sounds like some of the people who express these types of thoughts are the ones closest to the couple/family (see the below link).

There are these thoughts out there, to be sure. Just because I have not been personally subjected to the verbal criticism of people who do not understand our values does not mean that these opinions do not exist.

This morning, I came across this post, and found it to be encouraging (apparently, so have thousands of others, so that's even more encouraging!). This woman expresses her family's priorities in response to critisism for not using funds--that could have been directed toward her children's college tuitions--to instead bring another child into their family via adoption. And I heartily stand with her and her husband on choosing priorities that are Biblically sound, despite being socially . . . questionable?

Speaking of college, there are much worse things I could be accused of besides not paying my children's way through college, and I'd love it if I could honestly say that the only thing my adult children may resent me for is withholding a completely free education. Realistically, though, I have more important and far-reaching things to concern me, like being an all-around poor example of a godly woman who delights in serving The One who gave His life for her. The consequences of everyday attitudes and actions . . . how humbling it is to be a parent. There is no room for pride, yet pride digs its heels in and refuses to leave. To have my weaknesses, my frailties, my sins, on display for three tiny ones to witness and take in and then mimic. The ugliness. I can hide a lot from the average onlooker, but my children, they see the REAL me. And they often get the worst of the reality.

No, friends, how we're going to pay for college tuition, or weddings, or the latest trends, or ballet recitals--these are not our biggest concerns for our girls. I echo Missy's sentiments that we most want to see them follow Christ with their whole hearts. For us two sinners to guide them and lead them in this way is not nearly as doable as merely stashing away funds. Thank God for grace, or we'd be in serious trouble, and so would our children.

I Was about to Post This to My Other Blog . . .

But after I finished typing it, I realized it belonged better here. And the post from this morning, which is on this blog, probably better belongs on my birth one. I'm getting confused. But I'm not going to think about it any more.

Plugging away at my Bradley certification. I have a little over a week before the 4 day workshop in Denver. Several people have advised me that the key to success in completing the Provisional Affiliate phase with Bradley is to finish the requirements and turn in the packet on the first day of the workshop so I can begin teaching right away.

Being a procrastinator, for the last four months, I have been lolling my way through a book or two here, a report or two there, and the occasional hospital evaluation. In July, I began to get more purposeful and am now tying up the loose ends (final drafts, tweaking formatting). The strangest thing is that I am not overwhelmed. I just keep plugging away though the work seems to stretch out longer and longer. This is not like me. Perhaps it is because I find the subject matter so interesting and because I am gleefully looking forward to teaching my first class, but I am usually getting pretty stressed by this point, figuring there's no way I'll be able to do it all.

At least that's how it is in my house most of the time. The girls and I have been home today to try to get the house back together, put away laundry, cook 20 pounds of chicken and catch up on dishes. And I've managed to cook the chicken and run a dishwasher load so far, but the house looks no better than it did yesterday. And I'm starting to give up on the "putting the house back together" idea as I sit here for a breather, the day half-over.

Case has been working long hours the last couple weeks. One night last week, he didn't get home till 2 a.m. (then promptly turned around to go back at 7 a.m.). Today, he packed some clothes in case it gets late enough that he should just stay the night. The project they're working on should be done in another month or so.

Funny thing is that though it is not exactly great timing, in some ways it is the perfect timing. He's not home most evenings, which makes it more conducive for me to study and catch up on certification work. And I don't feel as badly if the house is in utter disarray (which it has been more than a few times), since he is not here to see it much. I am able to enjoy some time with the girls during the day, knowing that I have a chunk of time to work on my homework after they go to bed. (Much of my stress, I find, comes from feeling like I'm being prevented from doing what I should be doing. Of course, this would be faulty thinking on my part to feel like my children are "in the way" of me doing my "real work," but it really helps to have time carved out for such a purpose. It doesn't hang over me like a huge weight like it would if I were just trying to fit it in here and there.)

The last few weeks, Case and I have reinstated my weekly "night off," which kinda went by the wayside after about a month of doing it in May. Being able to get away has contributed a great deal to my progress with the reading and reports. Strange how a few hours away from home can make such a dent in a pile of work. Oh, and it also refreshes me to have a break from parenting once in a while. Sometimes, just an hour or two will help me regain the desire to jump back in with newness of purpose and passion. But if it's been too long since I've had a break, as my dear friend has observed, by the time we realize I need a break, I am already "broken." The key is to catch it before it gets that bad. Otherwise I feel like I need a few days away, not just an hour.

Claire and Haley are up and we're going to fold the laundry and cut up and freeze the chicken. Well, maybe just I will.

Where I've Been . . .

Alcatraz

Beautiful Old building.
Tiny slice of the Golden Gate bridge.
This was a mall!



Casey found it interesting that on this church in this sinful city there is a verse from Ecclesiastes: "Son, observe the time and fly from evil." Oh, that we would.

Chinatown

Beautiful architecture, isn't it?

Well, okay, this isn't where I've been (though perhaps vicariously:). San Fransico was the site of Case's business trip last week. (VMworld 2009, if you care to know. It means nothing to me.) If you know Casey very well, you already guessed that this cannot be where I've been, because my pictures would have been of people, while Casey infinitely prefers still life. (And I do love the architecture there!)

There is a reason behind why I haven't been posting much lately. I miss posting and I want to give an explanation to my readers as well as let you know a tiny smidgen of what's going on in the Cowart household lately. I'll post some stuff here on this blog, but the main reason I'm not blogging much is better explained on my other blog, on which I hope to elaborate soon. (I'll post a link when I get to it.)

And that reason is that I am in the process of completing certification as a childbirth educator, namely, a Bradley instructor. As some of you know, I have had three children with "The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth." Being somewhat cautious and not liking to commit to something unless I am prepared to follow through, (see my previous post if you don't believe me on this one) I have waited several years (well, five--one doesn't want to rush into these things) to see if my passion for natural childbirth would wane or if I would still love learning about it and studying it and doing it and seeing it and helping with it. . . you get the picture.

Well, turns out my passion is stronger than ever, five years after I first caught it. So, in May I signed up for the Denver workshop and have been dutifully completing the requirements since then. Still being cautious, I decided not to mention it on my blogs until I knew I would complete the requirements and attend the workshop this month. To be honest, I didn't mention it to many people at all. Someone would come up to me and say, "I hear you're working on your Bradley certification," and I'd say, "Who told?" It has become a joke among some of the ladies at church that I am the "Church Doula." (Which I have to say I'd be overjoyed to be! I'm here for you, ladies!)

Only God knows whether I will indeed make it to the workshop, complete it, pass the exam (I'm not worried about that part) and have my packet approved (that, I am a little concerned about.) I can't bear to say something I don't mean, yet I feel pressured to not rock the boat in my book reviews and such. "This book was so poorly organized!" "I could hardly do an outline without getting dizzy.". . . "No, I would not recommend this book to a student unless she was on bedrest for the entirety of her pregnancy and had exhausted all birth-related reading material and wanted to go through it with a red pen to sharpen her proof-reading skills."

I'm not sure that would go over too well; there's a rumor that the person who grades the packet was involved in the writing of the book. But I cannot turn a blind eye to such poor quality. A conundrum I'll have to work through . . .

In spite of the smack that I talk, I am pursuing certification through this company because the name is well-recognized and the goal is natural childbirth, and 80% of Bradley students go on to have completely unmedicated births, with little to no routine interventions. (Not to mention my own personal experience that includes my strong suspicion that this method spared me many unnecessary interventions with my first birth, possibly including cesarean. That itself resounds with me.) There are some choices that I think will hurt the company in the long run, but despite the differences of viewpoints on some non-birth related things, I believe Bradley is the best match for me. And I believe that what is not up-to-par can be tweaked and helped along. God willing, I will start teaching my first 12-week course in about a month as a provisional affiliate!

As a cherry on top of the busy-ness, as of yesterday, I have also enrolled in a doula training workshop with toLABOR (formerly ALACE) which will be held in November. (I will be certified this month as a Doula w/Bradley, but I don't know how well-respected that is. I've personally never heard of a licenced "Bradley" doula.) Thankfully, these certification requirements do not need to be completed before the workshop, and since I do not plan to use my doula training as a business until my children are quite a bit older, (if not grown) I can take a couple years to complete the requirements (one of which is attending 6 births). The great news is that for those next couple years, my friends in need of a doula for their natural births will now get a passionate, dedicated, caring, FORMALLY TRAINED doula for FREE, thanks to my hubby, who over breakfast yesterday insisted that I get all the training/certifications over with at once! Hence, my going from "I'm not going to pursue certification for five to ten years" to, "Sign me up!"

So, that explains why blogging (e-mail, phone calls, contact of any sort from me) has fallen by the wayside these last few months. Most of my assignments cannot be done while my children are awake (come to think of it, almost nothing outside of caring for and tending to them can be done while they are awake . . . we are still at a very needy age/stage here at Casa de Cowart.) That leaves the evenings, which is when I blogged once-upon-a-time.

I miss blogging. I have so many thoughts mucking about and would love to hash it all out and "relieve" myself in that way. Blogging can be so therapeutic. As I can tell after having spilled all this information. Ahhhh.

All this is meant to say that this very well may be the last time I post until I get back from the workshop at the end of September. Just wanted you all to know that I do not plan to continue in this lack of posting. Rather, it is a season of busy-ness. I would not call the certification requirements rigorous, but they are quite time consuming. There's a ton of work left! I'll update here and on my birth blog whenever I'm able!

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

Most of my life, I've wondered how on earth I could be a perfectionist, when my life and surroundings are so far from perfect.

And what of the mess in at least one room of my house at all times? Years ago, I wouldn't have believed it was due to perfectionist tendencies.

Alas, I am an all-or-nothing person. Since I was a child, I would start cleaning my out-of-control room by pulling everything out of my drawers or closet and begin organizing from the inside out. But I always ran out of steam long before I even put my drawer/closet contents back, and the ensuing mess was all-the-more discouraging, so I would not try to clean my room again for quite some time.

I am not proud to admit that my life today is not much different. Tuesday afternoon, as I was cleaning house, I caught myself organizing two drawers in an effort to fit a blanket that I wanted to put away (all-the-while, my house is aflame with a dozen visible "hotspots"--a term for horizontal surfaces that call me to pile more and more stuff there). I don't even realize how far I'm going out of the way of my first intentions until I find that one thing that started the cascade of insanity hours later, while wondering how I can be so tired and yet cannot point to one thing I have accomplished today. "And why isn't that blanket put away, either? I should have at least done that!"

My friend once told me I reminded her of the farmer who went to plow the lower forty (but he noticed the barn door was coming off its hinges, so he went to fix it, but then found that one of his tools wasn't working right, so he started to fix that. . . on and on until the sun had set and he realized he did not do anything all day). My friend was so right! I have to keep on top of myself, or I will inadvertently start doing this; it's in my nature.

Which is why I have decided to take up FLYing once again. (Of course this comment from my husband helped: "You were at the top of your game a couple years ago when you were doing FlyLady.")

As much as I don't agree with the whole "F.L.Y." thing (the theory that the reason we sidetracked people have problems is because we haven't yet learned the art of "Finally Loving Yourself." LOL! As my friend, LC says, "I was pretty fond, actually.") it is what has made a difference in my "if I can't do everything, I won't do anything" thinking, which is (for me) where most of the battle lies.

No, I really don't think it has to do with needing to love myself. That is an inborn human trait that is nothing to be proud of and is certainly not necessary to work toward. (Can I get an amen?) Rather, my problem is about having skewed priorities and overthinking, instead of just doing. You people who know me are smiling at how true this is, aren't you?

I am starting with even babier steps than she gives to help my thinking be more and more "can do" instead of "I don't have time to clean the world, so I'm not going to bother sweeping around the table." Just setting the timer and doing her fifteen minute challenges is so helpful and keeps me focused. "I am emptying the dishwasher, not making tea for dinner or hanging up Ruby's jacket. I am emptying the dishwasher," I remind myself in my head.

Any born organized person is probably perplexed at the need for a system to get me to start something. It might sound strange, but people like me go about ten steps ahead (in our minds) of what we're about to do and get discouraged before we even start.

This is how my mind works in regard to cleaning the house: "I need to vacuum (the entire house), but I want to dust (the entire house) before I do that, and there are toys and things all over the carpet (in the entire house) that I need to pick up. If I vacuum, it only makes sense to not allow dirt to be tracked from one kind of flooring to another, therefore I need to clean the hard floors, too (of course all the hard floors in the entire house: if I'm getting out the mop and water, I need to make it worth my time). So I'd better make sure that I sweep the front and back porches so we don't track in dirt from the outside, but I simply do not have hours to do this, so I'll have to wait till later."

This is actually a simplified list of what goes on in my head. All cleaning ends up being connected, and I hope it is understood that I was not joking about my all-or-nothing thinking. I literally think that way.

So Flylady helps get my rear in gear and when I start to see that one thing actually does make a difference, I am encouraged to do more here and there, which, when added up sure looks like a clean house!

Why Blog Now?

Last month, Casey sent me away to the coffee shop to have a break from two of my children and blog. I ended up writing a two-part essay starting with the following. At the time, I hadn't started this particular blog. Now that I'm not posting these kinds of things on my other blog, this is where this essay belongs now. I hope it's not too confusing.

The recent passing of my blog’s first anniversary causes me to reflect on the irony that I have been posting to it pretty regularly NOW THAT I DON’T HAVE TIME. When I first started a blog last summer—mother of two toddlers, not yet pregnant with a third—I was adamant that I would not be blogging regularly until I learned how to function on less sleep or somehow got organized enough to not have the management of blogdom take priority over other things that should remain important—i.e. the loving care of my husband, children and home. Do I suddenly have it together, now that my life is busier than ever? Has the addition of number three finally pushed me over to “Personality Type A,” (my husband wishes!) and I have it all figured out now? Have I learned to thrive (happy-hearted) on less than 6 hours of interrupted sleep? Is it because I now find myself—midmorning—with my soft, supple ped-egged feet up, twiddling my moisturized and well-manicured thumbs; my house sparkling, a three-course dinner ready to be served in a half-hour’s time, my children’s every physical and emotional need met, all the heart-oriented training complete for the day? Not hardly.

I am struggling (like I was then), trying to find the balance between keeping some sense of order in the home, without it being the end-all of my existence (we DO need underwear, people!), and almost 24/7 meeting four other human’s needs (some more demanding than others!). It’s probably safe to say that most days, that’s about all I do. I’m not trying to paint a woe-is-me picture, but I believe it is good to be completely honest so as not to create unrealistic expectations for those who have yet to experience these unrelenting demands of motherhood. And I have no desire to try to be Super Mom. Sometimes, I wonder if God’s purpose for me in all of this, among other things, is to help others be encouraged if they are able to do more—or better—than I. There should be MANY encouraged women, if that be the case! Maybe it’s a testimony of what is possible, if God gives EVEN ME the grace to get through each day.

So, in no way am I any more “together” than any acquaintance can remember me. In all this, there are several points that stand out to me as to why I’m blogging now. The first is that with time, like money, you can afford (within reason) what you *choose* to afford. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few examples on the money side:

• I know several moderately-earning-one-income-“we-don’t-do-debt” couples who give lavish, high-quality gifts.
• We also know people who do not have much of an income at all who eat out a great deal (at least from my perspective).
• When I was growing up, my friends, upon opening our freezer, exclaimed: “OOOOh, you have Cool Whip? Your Dad must have a steady job!” They really thought we were rich to have such a thing, even though the reason their parents didn’t buy Cool Whip was because they didn’t like it!

On the time side:

• I can't count the number of times I have heard (sometimes from my own lips) regarding personal Bible Study or memorizing verses: "I don't have the time."
• Casey will sometimes decide to hire something out because his time is actually more scarce than money right now. (Oil changes, lawn mowing, fixing problems with our rental house, etc.)
• I don't wear makeup most days. Only once or twice a week do I take the time to put on my contacts and makeup. It just isn't a priority to me (or my husband--he likes it now and then, but would rather me be low-maintentance and out the door sooner!)

My point is, what is important to us--time or money-wise--we afford. Everyone has at least a few examples of how they either do or do not afford something based more on values than a true ability to afford it.

Following the idea of time and money being more about priorities than amount, brings me to my next point: in the full-time career of homemaking with young children, one finds it almost necessary for the sake of sanity to do SOMETHING which—at the end of the day—STAYS DONE.

When I was single, a dear friend of mine, a homemaker with four young children, would often tell me of the elusiveness of “accomplishment,” especially within this particular season of life. A quick review of just a few of the responsibilities I have reminds me of this:

• Meal prep (x3)
• bathing, dressing—and the inevitable laundry production of—all of us
• diapering and/or wiping bottoms
• paying bills
• washing dishes
• grocery shopping
• decluttering and cleaning house
• disciplining and training children

The significance of this list is this: all of these things will need to be done again; if not tomorrow, then next week. (Save bottom-wiping. I try to do that whenever it is offered.) The phrase “a woman’s work is never done” surely applies here.

So in all the working, serving, planning and execution (not literally, though don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind :), sweating, thankless cycle of full-time motherhood, I not only have the need for accomplishment met, but I am able to also express myself somewhat freely (and don’t forget uninterruptedly!) through blogging. Here, in blogdom, I find expression and conclusion. I also often find encouragement and fellowship.