I Shouldn't be Doing This

a) blogging.


b) showing yet.


And yet, I am. (Both.)



That's right, I am showing. Not the baby, or even the uterus. It is me. I have to admit this to people who exclaim excitedly, "Wow! I can tell you're pregnant! You're really showing!"


Yes, I tell them. I am. My pregnancy will probably show in another few weeks, but practically speaking, the only time it does that nowadays is when I am on my back and a) my bladder's full or b) I'm having a contraction or c) both. If you don't believe me, see this pic from a few weeks ago. The contrast of this cantaloupe-sized belly compared with my usual "look" is undeniable. I am most definitely the one showing at this point.

At any rate, this is not bothersome to me. In fact, I love pregnancy, if only for one reason: It is a great excuse to look pregnant. There's no feeling badly that I can no longer button my pants (as of this week) and that I definitely have a pooch going on. Ahh, what an excuse pregnancy gives me to let my abdominal muscles have a sabatical. Not pregnant, I must be vigilant to not look pregnant, so as not to have anyone ask me if I am, and who has that kind of drive and muscle tone? Well, not me.

I had my first prenatal appointment on Monday, at 14 weeks. The girls and I had a relaxing time in Barb's new office. So relaxing, in fact, that I had the lowest blood-pressure reading I can remember having (not that I remember these things): ninety-something over fifty-something(Don't you love the preciseness?) This is especially surprising because at the time of the reading, I had two children on my lap, restless and demanding. I think this whole, "refusing to feel guilty" first-trimester attitude has contributed greatly to this. But I am no longer in the first trimester, so my guess is that my blood pressure will never again in this pregnancy be that low. I simply must begin my daily regimin of guilt soon. If not, I may run behind and have to pile on some double-doses.

Oh, and we got to hear the heartbeat, which was a little confirmation/reality check to me that yes, I am pregnant, and yes, it is a baby in there. (Not that I questioned this, but there's something about that super-fast heartbeat that clears up any doubts that I could just be gaining a great deal of weight in . . . my. . . uterus.) The older girls, playing on the floor, stopped, looked up and smiled as Barb said, "That's the baby!" Haley was right there, front-and-center, enthralled in what was going on. On her tippy-toes, eyes level with my belly and bright with curiosity. Her expression was priceless. So full of wonder and awe. Barb and I laughed that if we didn't know better, we'd think she understood the significance of what she was hearing. But we both knew it was simply an interest in that cool electronic device that made weird sounds.

So, that's the update. We're just surviving away here at Casa de Cowart. Keeping up on the essentials and barely anything else. It's quite enjoyable when life's this simple. I think my children would agree. Their mommy is not the same mommy from a few months ago. She's much nicer.

Okay, enough yammering. Here are some pictures.


When we got home from Christmas in Colorado, we bunked the girls' beds. We were also going to move Haley out of her/the guest room, but still finding myself not ready for the day each morning, we opted to leave her in her own room a little longer. She wakes a good hour or more after the other two, and I want to hold onto that as long as I can.


Casey and his buddy from work got this dollhouse for the girls for Christmas, and built it from the foundation up. This was in the garage a few months ago. Case is glad to have given it to the girls now so he can finally work on it in the house. Since Christmas, the house has been here, on the dining room table. It still has a LONG way to go to completion. I hope to post updates as things are done (shingles on, windows installed, electricity, etc.--he jokes this house will end up costing us as much as a full-size one, and I think I believe him).

Daddy and the girls assembling the windows. It is so sweet to me how much he puts into this for them.

Couple weeks ago. Playing play-doh.


Lately, I can let Haley play play-doh and don't have to watch her like a hawk to not eat it. Guess she's finally learned it's not yummy.


Ruby is getting better at fine-motor skills. She did so well rolling and cutting. They were the best "cookies" she's made so far.


This is new, though it may be surprising, since she's 19 months, but Haley is getting really great at feeding herself, even messy things like yogurt. She probably could have done better sooner, but we haven't really let her feed herself such things until recently. It just didn't seem worth the clean-up effort. It may be a small milestone, but it means a LOT to a mommy for baby to feed herself!

Only a couple months ago, this was going on. Claire was thrilled, but it is nice to have Haley independant.

The story behind last week's take-it-all-off haircut? A little trim in the bath by an overzealous mommy. Looked kinda okay when it was wet, but like one of her sisters had done it by morning. I had to go get it fixed (no pics of the oops--didn't even think of it). Interestingly, the one thing I did do just right was trim her bangs, but when I took her in to fix it, they trimmed her bangs much shorter than I would want--I almost stopped them.)

So, she pretty much has to have her hair "done" or wear all pink or something to look like a girl anymore. My babies always get mistaken for boys anyway, and this haircut will not help. Upon expressing this to the hairdresser, one of the other patrons looked over and said, "He's doing such a good job sitting still!" My point was made.

Problem is, Haley being the third and all, I didn't really put clips and bands in her hair much as an infant. And she is totally not used to them, and takes them out right away. We're working on it, but we'll probably have a few more comments in the meantime.


To Ruby's delight, Haley will occasionally let Ruby "baby" her. She'll let her pick her up, rock her, hold her hand. For a time, that is.
Ruby loves this big-sister role.

Recently, I started letting the girls "read" some of their school books. When we first got them, I wanted them to stay mysterious and exciting. They still are. The girls will sit on my bed for many moments, reading away!

Notice Claire's book is upside-down. She has never allowed this to affect her reading.

(And yes, those are p.j.s. And yes, it is probably about 11 a.m. They stayed in them till after naps. And I don't feel guilty about it.)

This was Friday. Actually did some "school." I got the lacing cards out again (they have always been a real frustration to the girls) and for whatever reason, today, the concept clicked with both of them. I have no idea what changed, besides not seeing them for a very long time. I told Ruby it was like dot-to-dot and sewing, and she caught right on. They were so excited, they ran to show daddy what they could do right after dinner. Got them out on their own again today.

In Case You Were Wondering

We are still here. . . just now slowing down and catching up on many things. Since the laundry is caught up, the Christmas stuff is (almost) put away and our family newsletter is now sent, I thought it only right that I post a little something to the blog to assure anyone who may still read it that I do not intend to abandon updates quite as badly as I have these past few months.

Not sure of a creative way to say this, so I'm just going to post it without fanfare: we are expecting baby number four in July! I'm finishing the 12th week and hoping, hoping, hoping that things will start looking up soon. (They already are: Case has been home with us all week and it has been fabulous to both take it easy and get things done around here.)

There are many things I could/should post, but I'm losing creativity and thought I'd just stick to the subject at hand, so here's a little recap of our pregnancy discovery.

In October, when I began my first Bradley series, "busy" described our life, and I started to think that I'd need to check the calendar soon, so I could be prepared for my usual reminder of God's providence. One day, supposing I was indeed "overdue," I actually had this thought as I was near the calendar, and took a gander. . .

Casey was discussing business matters with a friend up in an ABQ restaurant. They invited the girls and me to join them and have dinner, and I took them up on it, pausing long enough to toss a pregnancy test in my purse.

Case's friend left fairly soon after our arrival, and we settled in for a pancake dinner. I mentioned casually that I was on day 39 of my 28-day cycle (which we both were aware never happens unless I'm prego), and that this could mean a couple things, but it probably meant the most obvious thing. Doubtingly, he asked what else it could mean, and I told him that since Haley had upped her nursings from about one a day to 3 or 4, she could have suppressed ovulation, but that wouldn't explain my exhaustion and nausea quite as well as the other reason would.

I then told him of the P.T. in my purse, and he laughed and asked if I brought it because he'd be less likely to freak out in a public place. No, but that is a good thought. . . Actually, I had brought it because I have distinct memories of each time we've discovered we were pregnant, and thought that this would also make a distinct memory.

So, as Casey took the girls to the car to get them buckled in, I took a pregnancy test which immediately showed what we already "knew."

It was a little strange, since neither Case or I felt as if we could handle something that, by now, we were well aware meant a ton of resources that we do not have (I'm speaking in the character and stamina sense, not a physical need sense), but there were no tears on my part or freaking out on Casey's; it was just some information that had to sink in for awhile--a long while. We accepted it and wondered how God would see us through. We really wondered.

Not as though we doubted God in a cognitive way, but it was a process (still ongoing) of knowing in our hearts what we readily acknowledge in our heads--that God is good and gracious, and that He gives the grace to handle what else He gives. I couldn't quite figure out what it was that I doubted, but it was probably God's goodness and His wisdom. Especially the latter. "Really?! But You've seen what kind of a mom I am with the other three You gave me. . . I'm not faithful or glorifying to You in that. . . and I feel overwhelmed almost daily with the demands of life as it is. . . Really?!?" was the conversation that went on inside me without my knowledge.

But it wasn't until Casey was out of town (at about 9 weeks) and I had several evenings to myself and my thoughts that I cried about it. It had finally hit me that I absolutely could not do this. I cried many times in those few evenings, and it was good to hash out my feelings and thoughts on the matter and ask God to give me some perspective. I reminded myself that I felt physically terrible, and that always affects how I assess situations and how I feel emotionally. Of course I was overwhelmed: that's how the first trimester is: my midwife with Ruby called it the "What have we done?!?" phase of pregnancy. And yes, I am not exactly a fun or energetic mom or a great "help-meet" right now, but this too, shall pass. And no, I am not, nor will I ever be the mom I should be to my sweet blessings--no matter if I were to have one or 10 of them. But God is gracious, and part of His grace is pinning me to Him, where I can see very clearly that He is my only strength.

So, though this has been and continues to be a difficult process in several ways, I can see God's goodness in drawing me closer to Himself through the difficulty. I have certainly not arrived in trusting God--I write the above as a reminder to myself.

It is strange to write all this, since of course I want to be giddy and gleeful about such a wonderful miracle from God, but it's important to be real, too. Casey and I acknowledge this baby as a blessing, and though they are not there yet, our feelings will follow. And I think in some ways, it would be irresponsible and short-sighted of us to "just be happy" about it, because we know very well what another little one means. It is part of taking our job as parents seriously to look at all the aspects of what it means to be pregnant again. It is not just "having another baby" (if it were, we'd be in better shape, since I enjoy giving birth so much). It is loving and raising and training a person for a couple decades, and if that weren't enough, it is teaching them God's Word, pointing them to Christ at every opportunity and leading by example and. . . well, that's where it gets to feel overwhelming.

Practically speaking, we've just started to announce to the general public, as we've done in the past around 12 weeks. There are so many things we like about waiting to announce. Maybe I'll post about it sometime. But this time especially, it has been great for Case and I to have our little secret for awhile before sharing it.

A Visit from Family!

I started this post a few weeks ago, wanted to include two precious videos of my nephew, and for whatever reason could not upload my favorite one, so now I am finally surrendering to the idea that I should just go ahead and post, even if it isn't everything I ever wanted.

What follows is a crazy-long post about our adventures with Casey's family (namely his mom, Sandy, her hubby, John, Casey's brother, Corey and his wife, Karen and their three darling boys, three and under--Gabe, Gavin and Grant). They were here about a week (flew in from Portland, OR) and we had a marvelous time with exactly six females, six males, six adults, six children . . . yes, there were 12 of us, and yes, six were under the age of five.

It was an adventure, to say the least. Actually, though, it was really great. The most challenging thing was trying to transport all 12 of us anywhere. We exhausted every single seat in our two vehicles, and mostly just tried to stay home.

But we did get to do a few fun things:

From left to right: Haley (17 mo.) Claire (3 yr) Gavin (I think--still trying to figure out when I can't see them full-on or w/personality:) and Grant (twins: 22 months), Gabe (3 1/2 yr) and Ruby (4 1/2 yr)

At the Railrunner train station. Ruby has dreamed of taking "Gabe and the twins" on the train ever since she first went in . . . January? I'm too lazy to figure it out. We took the train down to Belen, which was about a 10 minute trip, but it was perfect for our group of little ones.

Gabe and the twins liked to watch us pass the scenery. It was the first time the boys had been on a train, and only the second time the girls had.

Ruby and Gabe became fast friends. They were so sweet that whole week. Held hands and all. Those Cowart boys are the sweetest!


Karen, Casey and Haley



Corey and Grant (yep, I'm going with my best guess here).




Sandy and Gavin (I think)




John, Sandy and 3/4 of the grandkids. I think we wore those grandparents out!


Gavin facing us (I think:)



Gabe and Ruby were fairly inseperable.



Corey and Karen show the boys some prairie dogs



Sandy shows the girls some prarie dogs




Gabe bumped his head as soon as he crouched in this little "hiding place." Kids are so funny. Every little nook is a hiding spot. It really was a good one.




The sea lions show what a beautiful day it was. That week was PERFECT fall weather. Warm, but not too warm; beautiful. The day they flew out, it started raining like crazy and turned dead winter for a good week. I was not ready for winter. (Thankfully, it has warmed up again.)



Gavin (l) and Grant (r) LOVED the girls' fish (electronic and plastic--we do NOT have pets). Those fish were a huge highlight to their stay.



Sandy and John put on a tea party for all of us one day. Everyone dressed up and we had a yummy lunch on the back lawn, then blew bubbles and shot each other with water guns. A very well-rounded event.


Haley is a little more of a baby than everyone else, and I noticed a trend of pictures that had five children and then pictures with one (her).

Haley did not exactly endear herself to her cousins. That week, she was the bossiest toddler I've ever heard (and have not heard her be quite so bossy since). I don't know what she said, but she sure felt strongly. And she often used her arms for effect. The twins learned to stay away from her. We can safely say she was a bully for the entire visit. Hopefully, they are not scarred for life.


Sandy went all-out. (She likes to do that.)



Even John had a bow-tie. Such dedication!



Aunt Karen reads to the five oldest.



Lolipops!



This one I'm pretty sure about: Gavin (l), Gabe, Grant (r)




And Haley again, all by her lonesome.



On Sunday, we said goodbye to John and Corey.

Our neighbors may have wondered what was going on. . . no, we're not starting a preschool.



It's becoming clear why we had a consistent stream of flies in the house. . .

Anyone who knows Gabe knows he LOVES (possibly an understatement) laundry. Thanks to him, I was almost caught-up on laundry, even the day they left. The linens and towels were already done before they flew out. Thanks for keeping me on my toes, Gabe!

He helps his mom so much that he knows which buttons to push. Even the child lock function, which is a little complicated. What can I say? He's a PRO.

Claire says goodbye to their 'Lita (the boys call her Maz). Since the visit, the girls will periodically refer to her as Maz as well.

Gabe was my buddy in laundry and other random things. It was great to have a fan. I think the last time that happened, I wasn't a parent! The fun and friendly side of me isn't always prominent now that I'm a mom.

Ruby gives Grant a squeeze goodbye.

Gabe, Karen and Claire.

The next day, probably afternoon, the girls still in p.j.s, telling 'Lita they missed her. Haley looks a little too happy. . . hmmmm.

Almond butter cookies. I baked them when the cold snap hit us, and my family didn't like them enough to eat them. Most of them are still in the freezer. Case said they threw him off because they looked like p.b. cookies, but they did not taste as good. I had to agree.

Random pics follow: Daizy, the Rio Grande Zoo's six week old elephant was so darling!

This is what we get when we try to include Haley in the kid pics.

Haley, Case and I on the Rail Runner. Told you this is random.

Ruby and Gabe watching Toy Story. This is the part where Sid shows up. Gabe is visibly concerned.

Twins and fish. . . go along so well.

I think this is Gavin

Which would make this one Grant (not sure--I keep changing).

Sandy brought the quilt she made for Haley. It is super soft on the back.

Quick clip of Gabe. I love how he talks.