Thursday, February 5, 2009

Actually, *Here's* the Deal

There are a few things I mentioned in the past couple posts that I wanted to expound on or clarify. I have an entire post dedicated to clarifying one of these things, which I hope to publish in the next day or two.

As to the blood tests and subsequent Dr. visit, the news is most definitely good: I do not have mono. What a relief! And almost as much as a relief, I do have a virus of some sort. Since this virus presents with fatigue and not much else that is obvious or measurable, I didn't recognize it as a sickness right away. "Tired" is my usual, and I was just noticing a more tired, more easily discouraged, more impatient me, and was trying my hardest to just snap out of my lazy/depressed funk. So it was pretty encouraging when I found out that something was actually wrong with me! You know, when I'm not feeling great, my weaknesses and all the things I'd rather not admit that I struggle with are intensified, and it isn't as if I think, "Who is this?!?!?" in disbelief. I readily recognize this person as who I really am down deep, and it can be pretty discouraging to see all that yuck at once. For about three weeks, I just thought, "I can't be this person. It is so bad for my children. I have to stop being this person!" One thing I did learn: feeling guilty about it only made me angry and subsequently, more guilty. As one would assume, this did not help.

Just a week after the diagnosis, things are better and I see improvement in my outlook and my energy level daily. This is good, because all three girls just came down with a cold yesterday and in general are more needy, snotty and whiny, so I need to be extra long-suffering with them. I'm not doing a very good job, but my attitude is leaps above what it was a week ago, so I'm thankful for that.

Now, as to clarification, a friend asked me if I was nervous leaving all three girls with Casey or if he is nervous having them all. As I re-read what I said, I wanted to make it clear that neither is true. Casey does very well caring for the girls (often better than I do!). I have absolutely no qualms about leaving them with him based on their safety or well-being or any such real reason. I just feel guilty. (Really. That's what I do. Quite well.) With Casey being the full-time bread-winner, and me being the full-time homemaker, the issue of rarely being away from the kids or leaving them with him is not about me being a control-freak or him trying to evade the responsibilities of fatherhood. It has everything to do with two things: it is neither practical or necessary for me to leave all three with Casey, except for occasions such as an urgent care visit.

I will say, however, that looking at things in this attitude may have contributed to my recent blueness, and we are currently tweaking things around here in this department. It may not be necessary for me to go away by myself once in a while, and it definitely isn't practical for my hubby to come home from a long day or week at work to then have to take care of the many needs of our three little ones alone, when it is something I'm not only used to, but don't mind doing. But it does refresh and renew me to have a break, and I really do not have to protect Casey from experiencing a small taste of what I deal with on a daily basis. He can handle it.

Already, as of last week, I have had several breaks and Casey has been mindful of encouraging me to get away. I even got to grab some coffee with a friend. Terribly exciting! We'll see how things play out in the "breaks" department, because some things are about to change (for the better!) around here, and breaks may not be a viable expectation in the coming months. More to come!

1 comment:

Amy said...

You can't keep us hanging like that! Post soon! : ) So glad you're starting to feel better.