Thursday, February 12, 2009

Follow-up to My Reproduction Rant

I have a few questions for my readers. This is new to me, since my readers don't usually post comments, and I haven't really ever asked pointed questions to encourage you to do so. The first question actually has to do with comments, and it may be one reason why I don't see many!

Does anyone have trouble commenting on my blog? I have the comments moderated, meaning that you won't see your comment right away (or sometimes at all, if I reply by e-mail), but the problem I'm hearing about is one regarding the word verification. If you have a problem commenting, please e-mail me so I can try to get it fixed (sarah at thecowarts dot org). I'm just trying to figure out if it's on my end or not.

My other question has to do with an e-mail I received today, regarding mostly the last four paragraphs of a post I did last week on pregnancy and miscarriage. Apparently, my opinion is not the only one out there :). I'd like to share another person's perspective and ask you, readers, to weigh in and tell me where you stand. My guess is that most of you will not feel as strongly as either of us. But surely you have an opinion! I think it would be educational to have a candid discussion on this, since it is not a subject openly discussed (at least in my circles).

Here is the other side (and I quote):
"I guess I am strongly opinionated in the other direction. I love people to ask if I am pregnant and I love to ask others, not that I can't wait for them to tell me, I just love the conversation of pregnancy, birth-control, sex, etc. I also believe in telling people that you are pregnant right away, God rejoices in that baby the moment it is conceived why shouldn't everybody rejoice in that baby as well, even if it is only for 6 weeks? Also, having had 6 miscarriages, I can tell you from my perspective that it is better people know... I am sure many do not feel this way, but it was harder for me that people did not know that I loss that precious one, because I wanted to talk about it, but no one knew to ask. It is harder to be comforted or to even grieve when you have to tell someone "oh by the way I was pregnant and I lost it and that is why I am depressed." Certainly, there will be those with careless words, but more often then not when someone asks how your pregnancy is and you tell them you lost it, they give you a hug, tell you they are sorry, and maybe that they will pray for you. That is far more comforting then not having anyone ask about the child you love and you lost without anyone knowing."

I have my take on this, what's your take, readers? Do you consider "Are you pregnant?" acceptable or inapropriate? Or does it depend on who's asking? And what of announcing pregnancy early and possible miscarriage? Does anyone feel the same way I do, or this reader does? I understand this to be a delicate issue, and realize that people may not feel free to comment as themselves, per se. I encourage you to comment anonomously, if it means you'll comment, as opposed to not! And if you'd rather e-mail me, please do so (but keep in mind that others may be helped by your perspective, so commenting may be better). Please, share your thoughts!


mel said...

Hi Sarah! Thanks so much for the comments on my last post. I can't wait to sit down this weekend and read up on your blogs! Have a wonderful weekend with those 3 beautiful girls!!

Anonymous said...

Well as to asking if someone is pregnant, that to me is a touchy subject. As to telling everyone the news as soon as you find out. I agree with the person who was quoted. It is better to share the joy, even if it does end in sorrow. tiff

Andy and Amy said...

I agree with the quote that you shared as well. I figured I'd want people to know if I had experienced a loss. But, I do think it is tacky to ask someone if they are pregnant. I have been asked when I was due when I wasn't even pregnant (pudgy belly problems) and that is quite awkward.


Elizabeth said...

Hi Sarah! I haven't had a chance to read all of your latest posts, although I have skimmed them and am looking forward to coming back and reading (also reading the last part of Haley's birth story). For just a quick answer regarding the pregnancy/miscarriage thing, I have always thought if it was me (and this is just me) that I would want people to know if I miscarried because I would be dealing with a death and I'm not one to hide emotion well. But I have never been through it-and sometimes you never know how you will react until you're in the situation.

As for how things are going-you weren't kidding when you said being a mom of three under the age of 4 isn't easy!! I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. To answer your questions-no, the girl in the picture is my younger sister (Sarah is her name:) And I haven't posted any of the pictures of me right after labor-however, my mom has several on her blog. (Not so great) I actually had more time than usual in the hospital to get ready because I didn't have anywhere to be and didn't have toddlers running around needing anything!

Don't let it fool you-the last few days I have been doing good to have clothes on that weren't completely soaked in milk or spit-up! I am feeling a bit overwhelmed-when did you say life gets a little easier? 6 months from now? Trying to "soak it in" because they aren't infants for long, but I sure am tired!

ann said...

I'm sorry! It's Ann Barber. I am on my mom's computer and I was accidentally signed in under her name.

Anonymous said...

Just another person's perspective.
It seems that whether or not you tell others that you're pregnant has to do with how private a person you are. I didn't tell others until I was about 4-5 months along. It didn't really have to do with the risks of miscarriage, but instead it made the pregnancy seem to go faster.
On the other hand, people started routinely asking me if I was pregnant so they would know earlier. That didn't seem fair!
I had 3 miscarriages and (8 live births.) Only one was generally known about because I was far enough along to have felt the baby move. Looking back at it, I would have received more comfort if others had known. But I was (and am?) a private person. And some people have been less than encouraging in my life when I bear my soul to them. So it seemed safer to keep it to myself.


Sarah said...

My sister, Maranatha sent me this reply via e-mail:

Having lost three pregnancies, I was surprised by the sense of betrayal I felt regarding my own body. This emotion was the strongest when one of the pregnancies I lost had the potential to become cancerous (a very bizarre situation). Most of the people I dealt with were very kind and respectful of my greiving time, and the sweetest response to the grief was a warm hug when I told someone and a willingness to talk about it later if I brought it up. There is nothing to be said or done that will take the pain away. Please NEVER say to the mom or dad that "It was for the best, because there was probably something wrong with the baby." While statistically this is probably true, it really is not comforting, and in a way can be misconstrued into placing of guilt or blame. A hug, an "I'm so sorry," and listening ears is always the best policy.
As for the timing of telling others about either pregnancy or loss, I don't really have an opinion-just the thought that the comfort level may be different depending on the circumstances and personalities of those involved.
On a personal note, with one of my miscarriages, one of my "friends" berated me for not telling her that I had lost the pregnancy (that she had not known about). She demanded to know how on earth I expected her to help me if she didn't know about it. The insensitivity still flabbergasts me. Looking back, I suppose she had her answer. Obviously, her response put up a wall that never was torn down, and ruined any intimacy that we had previously shared.
Personal loss is just that- personal. As a nurse I am learning that the times when I am told that I'm a good one were the times when I was able to read what the patient needed at the time. Even when I'm not sure, it never hurts to hold a hand, to be quiet while they talk, to be quiet while he or she is quiet, and to pray (whether or not they ask/know).